Letting people down- I hate it. Growing up I remember the empty promises, the false sense of hope and the never ending questioning whether anything would actually transpire.
I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way.
I made it a point to keep to my word, if I said I would be there- come hell or high water, I would be there. If I made a promise, you’d know I would follow through on it.
Living like that though, as easy as it may sound, is actually incredibly difficult. At some point I had lost doing what was in my best interests and was concerned solely on making sure everyone around me had someone they knew they could depend on.
The problem was- I wasn’t able to depend on myself to make choices that were in the best interest for me.
A few months ago, I was contacted to have a local magazine run a story on stuff I had been through. To be honest, I didn’t give it much thought and said “Yes, go ahead and schedule a meeting”. I was interviewed and then had to do a photo-shoot. During the entire interview and shoot though I felt uncomfortable, but I had said yes, so I needed to do it right?
The photographer who handled the first shoot rushed the job and we needed to reschedule another one. I still felt uncomfortable, and although not having signed any contracts or a release, I felt obligated to go through with it.
My schedule was full, the journalist’s and stylists schedule were constantly clashing and so the shoot was postponed for about four months.
During these four months, a lot had happened personally in my life, and in the life of my family. With it, a lot of stress followed. I had stretched myself thin work wise and was working 14 hour days, only to come home and have to deal with everything else going on in my life. I had no escape, no break from it all- I crashed. Anxiety and depression hit me hard. I’m normally good at controlling it, but this time something was different. Almost as if it was immune to the tools I learnt to use to control it. I closed myself off from the outside world for a weekend and was able to put all my issues into a tiny box in my head and I threw away the key. I knew I didn’t have to time to deal with anything at the moment, my work life required a professional mind-set and I had a hectic week coming up that required a lot of focus.
Early this week, I received an email stating everything was in place and they would need me for a couple of hours to come in and get everything sorted. The feelings I thought I had locked away in that little box managed to pick the lock and escape. I literally cried when I read the email- I was going to have my life published for the world to read, it would forever be in black and white.
I was trying to leave my past behind, start over from scratch and finally live a life I felt happy, free and secure in. With the story going public, I knew that wouldn’t be possible. I would be stopped or asked by strangers if I was the kid they had read about, I didn’t need that in my life at this point.
Last night, I sent an email asking that the story be retracted. It was difficult to write. I was doing what I said I would never do-breaking my word. I had said I would do it, and here I was backing out. The journalist in question I’m sure had worked her ass off getting everything together, but ultimately, I had to do what was best for me. I have to live with the decisions I make in this world and this was one I wasn’t comfortable with.
I’ve learnt something I will forever keep with me- It’s ok to take a step back, re-evaluate decisions and see if they are ultimately in your best interests. Nothing is concrete until the ink has dried.
theoutlife 