Returning Home…

I’ve been dreading having to write this-not because writing is something I fear(I would question my reasoning behind starting this blog to be honest) but because it means I have to confront everything head on and accept this is the hand the universe dealt me and I have no other choice but to play.

If you skip back a couple of posts, you’ll see where my relationship is with my family. Virtually non-existent. Until the middle of June, I had tried to at least keep some form of contact open as I felt like I owed it to them (for what reason? I have no answer).

June 16th, I called my mom to ask if she could fetch me at the train station.  Her tone over the phone was one I was all too familiar with, it’s the tone she used when she spoke to someone she no longer regarded of having any importance in her life. I didn’t pay it too much attention though as I hadn’t seen her in a couple of weeks and perhaps something had happened at work or she was just stressed out because it was end of term and grades had to be in.

I was wrong.

I loaded my bags into the car and got into the front passenger seat. “Hi Mom, how are you?” I waited and waited for any sort of response, none came.  I knew this would be the longest 15 minute drive I would ever take.  We made it all the way home and I had not heard a word from her,  she walked into the house and I was left wondering what had just happened. I had a meeting to get to though and so didn’t have much time to think about it all.

The next day whilst she was at work I sent her a text to let her know I needed to talk to her (Side note: I came out to my dad and was going to tell my mom, so that both were on the same page) The reply I got though, shocked me. “You had the entire car ride home to talk to me, you then decided to go out till whatever hour. Whether you choose to let me know about what’s going on in your life or not is up to you”.  “This isn’t something you could say at random, and the car ride home was in no way an ideal situation for you to hear what I had to say” I replied.

I left it at that.

A couple of days later,I came across a couple of properties she had looked at for a two bedroom place in Jo’burg. I figured she was just inquiring for when my younger brother left the house to study next year.

I was wrong, again.

I was told I needed to move out of the house by September and that I was on my own going forward. I won’t go into detail on how this all transpired because I still can’t deal with it.

I am trying to pick up my life after so much has happened for reasons I don’t quite understand.

My dad in all this? Well, that’s an entirely new post on its own.

Its OK though, I will be relocating to Cape Town soon and will use the change of scenery as place to finally build the life I’ve wanted and need at this point.

Until then,

We Live, We Learn, We Grow. 

I’m sorry…

So not that I have received a number of life threatening emails asking why the blog hasn’t had an updated post in a while, I feel like I need to say sorry to those that do read it and have waited.

After my last blog entry, I flew to Cape Town for what was originally intended to only be a few days but later turned into two weeks.

On returning home, things became a little bit more hectic. A lot has happened and I am basically having to start from scratch with my life. I’ll let you know about it all in a new post, still busy writing it all up- it’s a lot to process.

Again, I am so sorry, but if you’re reading this, I guess there’s still hope this relationship we have going has a bit of hope left 🙂

xxx

Cape Town…

After nearly two years of absolutely no break. I am FINALLY getting away for five days.

When you work like I do and when work is who you are, you forget that you also need some time and space for “you” to connect with “you”. We weren’t designed to work endlessly- almost mechanically, and not have some side effects.

For the last couple of months, I have averaged on three hours of sleep a night. I had stretched myself thin workwise with various clients and needed to deliver on contracts. In the entertainment industry, relationships are everything; expectations are high and delivering on time an absolute must. It takes a long time to gain the trust of your peers, and very little to lose it.

Failing was not an option.

I had worked my ass off to get to the point I am at today. It took four years before I got my foot in the door, and the work hasn’t stopped since.

 On top of working full time, I have also had to teach myself through college. College work is daunting as is, but when you have to become your own teacher, that mountain seems impossibly high to climb. But I’m getting there. I have had to learn to be incredibly hard on myself to meet deadlines with school as it is always the first to be put on the backburner when work requires my attention.  I learnt the hard way with a couple of late assignments and now have prioritised my work and school life a little bit more efficiently. Although, work still wins most of the time, school is never far behind.

Recently, I received a couple of opportunities to meet with a couple of movers and shakers in the industry whilst they were in Cape Town. I figured instead of doing a two day, strictly work trip, I would stay a few extra days and just find that inner peace again.

I have lost who I am as a person. My worries and thoughts have started to control my life, to the point where I literally am waiting for the day when my clock stops ticking and I can finally “rest”. The way I have been living lately has not been healthy.

I need this time, to get away from it all and just think- Where is my life headed? What do I want from this life? Where do I see myself in five, ten years from now? Who do I want to be and what impact do I want to make on this world?

Just writing this makes me emotional, I don’t know why, it just does.

Hopefully, some inner peace is found and I can return with a better, clearer picture of where I am headed and what I want from this life.

Sorry :(

So not that many people read this blog, but incase you do and thought I was a one post wonder type blogger.SORRY! I have just been really busy these last few days 🙂

I have had to schedule a trip to Cape Town for a couple of meetings and then for some much needed R & R :)! To be honest, I booked my flights and then realised I have absolutely no suitcases or clothes for the trip. The shopping trips have been endless, and the traffic a disaster. But I am getting there. Slowly…

I have a post I have been working on which will go up tonight. So if you want, feel free to return a little later and have read.

Relationships- Not for everyone…

Just a quick something on my mind:

I’m at that age where many of my friends are in serious relationships, a couple of them have kids, many speak about marriage and nearly all of them talk about their ideal “soul mate”.

I have never understood the “relationship” realm. I don’t enjoy the thought of being strapped down to an individual purely because that is what society has deemed “normal” and “appropriate”.

I suppose I don’t help with the stereotype that gay men are sexual predators with an insatiable appetite for sex. For me though, I prefer the purely physical relationship. You meet, greet and do the deed. Once your done, you get on with life (which is best as my schedule is always really busy).

Its not for everyone, but it works for me…

It’s OK to put yourself first…

Letting people down- I hate it. Growing up I remember the empty promises, the false sense of hope and the never ending questioning whether anything would actually transpire.

I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way.

I made it  a point to keep to my word, if I said I would be there- come hell or high water, I would be there. If I made a promise, you’d know I would follow through on it.

Living like that though, as easy as it may sound, is actually incredibly difficult. At some point I had lost doing what was in my best interests and was concerned solely on making sure everyone around me had someone they knew they could depend on.

The problem was- I wasn’t able to depend on myself to make choices that were in the best interest for me.

A few months ago, I was contacted to have a local magazine run a story on stuff I had been through. To be honest, I didn’t give it much thought and said “Yes, go ahead and schedule a meeting”. I was interviewed and then had to do a photo-shoot. During the entire interview and shoot though I felt uncomfortable, but I had said yes, so I needed to do it right?

The photographer who handled the first shoot rushed the job and we needed to reschedule another one. I still felt uncomfortable, and although not having signed any contracts or a release, I felt obligated to go through with it.

My schedule was full, the journalist’s and stylists schedule were constantly clashing and so the shoot was postponed for about four months.

During these four months, a lot had happened personally in my life, and in the life of my family.  With it, a lot of stress followed. I had stretched myself thin work wise and was working 14 hour days, only to come home and have to deal with everything else going on in my life. I had no escape, no break from it all- I crashed. Anxiety and depression hit me hard. I’m normally good at controlling it, but this time something was different. Almost as if it was immune to the tools I learnt to use to control it. I closed myself off from the outside world for a weekend and was able to put all my issues into a tiny box in my head and I threw away the key. I knew I didn’t have to time to deal with anything at the moment, my work life required a professional mind-set and I had a hectic week coming up that required a lot of focus.

Early this week, I received an email stating everything was in place and they would need me for a couple of hours to come in and get everything sorted. The feelings I thought I had locked away in that little box managed to pick the lock and escape. I literally cried when I read the email- I was going to have my life published for the world to read, it would forever be in black and white.

I was trying to leave my past behind, start over from scratch and finally live a life I felt happy, free and secure in.  With the story going public, I knew that wouldn’t be possible. I would be stopped or asked by strangers if I was the kid they had read about, I didn’t need that in my life at this point.

Last night, I sent an email asking that the story be retracted. It was difficult to write. I was doing what I said I would never do-breaking my word. I had said I would do it, and here I was backing out. The journalist in question I’m sure had worked her ass off getting everything together, but ultimately, I had to do what was best for me. I have to live with the decisions I make in this world and this was one I wasn’t comfortable with.

I’ve learnt something I will forever keep with me- It’s ok to take a step back, re-evaluate decisions and see if they are ultimately in your best interests. Nothing is concrete until the ink has dried.

Coming out…

If you’re reading this and have already come out- I couldn’t be happier for you. If you’re reading this and are yet to come out- like I said in my about page, you are not alone, we are in this together. Never be ashamed of who you are.

My heart was racing, my palms sweaty, and my mind running wild. This was before I had even hit send!

It had taken me two long years of soul searching to finally come to peace with the fact that I was gay. For so long I had been fighting the beast, pretending to be something I was not, I did not know who my true self was. I had played a part for so long it became a part of me.

Who was I behind the makeup?

The greatest obstacle in coming out is the work that has to go in before you can even reach that step of letting people  in and telling them. You have to be 100% content with who you are, and truly at peace. You need to be able to rely on yourself first; before you can rely on anyone else to help you step out and show the world your true colours.

I think my coming out was easier than most peoples because I had known since an early age, I had never gotten into any relationships (or even had my first kiss-still working on it) with the opposite sex.  So I never had any of the questions about past relationships or being told I was going through a phase as I had been seen with females before.

I had just turned twenty and gave myself a year to come out to everyone, I wanted to start my adult life (many consider this to start at 21) being who I was, liberated and free. 

A close friend was going to be moving to the same town to study at one of the Universities in the area, we had known each other since kindergarten and I figured if she reacted badly after having known me for so long, I would be able to learn what worked and what didn’t when I told her and be able to better prepare for the next person I let in.

We had been talking for a while on Whatsapp and the conversation was starting to wind down, I knew I still had something to say though. I was beyond nervous, was this the last conversation I would have with her? Is she going to keep it to herself, or would it become public knowledge by the morning? Would she simply not respond?  I tend to head for the worst in stressful situations, with something like this; I had lost faith in the fact we had been friends for so long.

“I have something I kind of want to tell you. I understand if you need time to let it sink in. I just want you to know that the kid you grew up with and have known over 16 years is still here, he just needs to let you know something…he’s gay”

The longest 30 odd seconds passed before I received a reply.

“I’m so happy for you and really glad you let me know”…

I can’t even begin to describe the kind of relief I felt when I read that. Not only was she accepting, but I had someone I could now talk to openly and freely. Someone I didn’t have to “pretend” in front of.

We didn’t speak much after that, my body was flooded with emotions, I asked if I could call her in the morning and if she wanted to know anything, I would be happy to share.

I needed a moment to myself to digest what had just happened. That I had finally come out.

Since her, I have let in only my incredibly close friends. Friends I trust with my life. Each coming out was just as nerve wrecking as the first. Coming out didn’t get easier, knowing what to say when coming out did.

I have yet to let my family know. In many ways, I don’t want them to know, the only family I have known are my friends. My biological family I see as mere people I am passing by on the journey that is my life. I know I will eventually come out to them, but for now, I’m happy with the people that do know.

I don’t hide anymore. I remember what it was like to be under the control of fear, but I remember more so the feeling of being liberated and free.